writing again...

Tue, 06 Nov 2001 03:49:46 GMT

Well, I've been convinced to write again by the only person who really reads these. It's time to vent....

I realize I'm not the most unlucky person in the world. As far as material possesions go, I'm damn lucky. In the past week, I got myself a cell phone, and a DVD player. I bought them with the money I've made the past few weeks at work... I've really gotta stop spending that money (it's for my trip to Germany this summer). Anyways, I have a good home, in a good neigborhood, around decent people with a good school system. I'm not here to complain about any of that. I'm here to complain about people.

Maybe I'm just very very wrong. Maybe I'm the ass hole... it's up to you to decide, but here I go.

I'll take you through a basic day for me. I wake up rather early (6:10) and no earlier or I'd probably fall over somewhere and die. I get my clothes ready, take a shower, etc... and I'm awake and ready for school at 6:45 which gives me enough time for breakfast, then I'm out of the door at 7:10 or 7:15. I walk to school, I could drive but school is about a block away. Then I sit around for a while finishing my homework I should have done the night before. My "friends" sit around me at the table until scool starts a 8:05.

About my "friends". They're the people who I hang out around at school...They don't respect me, in fact they treat me like shit... never listening to a word I have to say...Then why the hell do I hang out with them? Because I need to feel like I belong somewhere... and I don't know where else to go. Obviously just thinking about them is getting me a little angry...

Anyways, I go to my classes, nothing exciting there. I keep to myself pretty much, just because nobody really wants to talk to me and when I want to talk to someone else I sound like a complete idiot. I often stumble on words when I try to talk... at least I don't stutter when I type.

By lunch time, I sit by my "friends" again, trying to include myself in their conversations. I end up ruining the discussion they have going on which basically pisses them off. I don't do that intentionally, I guess I'm just stupid.

By the end of the day I walk home and sit around for a while watching TV until my parents get home. Then I either sit around some more at home, or go with my parents to the gym to work out. I spend an hour or two before bed chatting online, then go to sleep.

This is a basic layout of every day in my life. Sometimes I go to work after school, but nothing worth mentioning happens there. The weekends are basically me sitting around for an entire day, instead of just the afternoon after school.

You're probably thinking one of two things now...

1)why don't you just get off your ass and meet new people?
2)you obviously don't care if you have friends or not because you won't stick up for yourself.

if you're thinking something else... sorry. I can only think of those two things right now.

well #1 it's hard for me to meet new people. First of all, I don't know where to look or how to approach. It would be strange to just walk up to a group of people and start hanging around them. Especially when I'm not good with speaking and I feel like an idiot any time I talk.

#2 I wish I knew why I couldn't stick up for myself. I guess it's the fear of just being hated by another group of people... I have had previous "friends" who have just gotten tired of me. I try my best to be an upbeat happy person but it hasn't got me anywhere...

there's probably a few ideas I'm not covering but that's the basic jist of it. (jist IS a word right? yeesh, I try to sound fancy and I doubt myself...)

Now some people might suggest I talk to someone about my problems. I can't do that... it's just not me. I hate having other people concerned with my problems, they have their own lives and that's what they need to concentrate on. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to be nice to be because it's untruthful. They'll just end up feeling sorry for me and pretend to treat me with respect out of pitty, not out of friendship. And I don't see what they could tell me that would help... "somewhere out there likes you for who you are" that someone is probably in africa or something, maybe austrilia...but not here. "things will get better in time, be yourself" I've been myself for 16 miserable years...nothing is changing.

Maybe there's something I'm missing. Maybe, like I said earlier, I'm just the asshole who doesn't understand the world. Maybe I need to just shut the hell up, pretend to be someone else, and fake my way through life.

"Maybe life's not for everyone..."

Have a nice day.

A new beginning

Fri, 26 Oct 2001 01:30:31 GMT

This isn't really the beginning to my entries, I simply deleted the others because I hated them. I'm no writer, even if I try, but those entries were just.... *shudder*

Anyways, maybe this entry (and any more that I MAY make some time in the future) will explain a little better about me, or "gunt8"

About the name, gunt8. It's rather simple, but not at all interesting. I had written on one of my notebooks "curts drawing notebook." Curt being my first name... anyway... my friend stole the notebook for a few minutes and started messing with the letters on the front. The C into a G, the u stayed the same, the r into an n, the t stayed the same, and the s became an 8. "gunt8".... the name stuck....that's your story

Moving on, I go to school. I'm a junior in high school...and...yeah. I go there....whee... sorry, I use sarcasm to cover up any bad words that immediatly come to mind when I think about something like school.

I'd say the exact thing about work.

I can't think of anything else to write right now. Besides, I'm only dissapointing the ONE person who reads these.

-Have a nice day.